Private Letter in a Gloomy Year

Dear myself ,

Here i am once again in a cold night

Trying to tell you how bad you are now .

Tonight is 24 December 2012

When everyone is singing and dancing

Waiting for the day of The Lord's Birth

When everyone makes a plan to decide where to go tomorrow

When everyone starts to make a wish

I am here alone

Counting the stars above the sky

Watching everybody from the top of the roof

Seeing the traffic that's full of yellow light

Tonight is 24 December 2012

It's been a year since the last time i spent Christmas eve with someone

It's been a year since the last time i doubted if i could spend another Christmas again with her

And it's been 17 month since the last time i fell for someone

17 months ago ,

That was a sunny day

One point forty five post meridiem

When i decided to walk together with a 14 years old boy-like girl .

She had a little eyes

Eyes that made me feel so unwanting to look at other's eyes

She was chubby , yet she said that she was only 50 kilograms .

She had a curly hair , and was a bit stiff

She loved the number 8 , and the colorbpurple .

Eating snacks was her hobby , and she loved fries and satay the most .

She had an allergy of heat , that i thought that she was Michael Jackson's daughter at first

She had a past that she didn't want to be told , i know that it wasn't a cheerful past a gloomy one .

I met her by accident at one of the games online

Her fingers was so fast as hell , that i could never beat her at any mode without illegal means  .

She was funny , and she got mad easily .

She's so patient , and said thanks when people taunted her .

I never thought that she would be an important person for me

Chatted at YM , and everything started there .

Where i became her brother

Where i wrote her name on doodles and she did it just like i did.

Where i patiently waited her to study

Where she taught me how to use an emoticons

Where i videocalled her , and used face mimics and gestures to express what i wanted to said in voice .

And where i startes to feel like that i was being treated slightly different from others

Met her for the first time in my life

She was so shy , never spoke anything

Didn't even sang a song while everybody around her sang out loud

I was curious and kept telling myself that 'She was different in real life , and i liked it'

Met her again in another country

It was a cool afternoon

I brought her to the suspension bridge

And she almost fell if i didn't catch her

My face turned red , and her phone that i held almost fell into water

There were twin towers that had a bridge that's connecting them each other

Walked there together , climbed to the top of the roof

And stood for a while in the middle of the bridge

There was a rainbow in the sky

Talked about weird people around us while listening to the evening breeze

Til suddenly i touched her hand

It was a silence , when i slowly held her hand

My faces turned red , and my heart beat faster and louder than a drum

I looked my hand , and my mind kept telling me 'You're a fool. She'll hate you'

Turned my face slowly onto her , and she looked at me

I couldnt control my breath anymore , i whispered in her ear

That 'i liked you my sister' . Added the word sister , cause i was afraid to death that

She would be mad and threw me onto the beach .

But she smiled and gave me the same response

Kept holding her hand , i saw the sky

And it was sunset

It was a beautiful sunset

The Sun was about to submerge in the middle of the Ocean

Sometimes , it was so fun to be reminded , that i had that memories

But sometimes its also kills me hard cause i feel nauseated ttm .

That day was a gloomy Sunday

The week before , i dared myself to jump

Believed that that feeling was real , decided to walk together with her

In that gloomy day , i remembered that

The real feeling lasted more than 6 months .

That i just knew her for less than 3 months .

I left her in the middle of the road .

Hey myself , that was awful isn't it ?

You remembered right ?

However , there was another day

When i really was full of confidence

When i believed that that feeling was the true one.

Tried again for the second time

To make her forgive what i did

To make her believe that this time i wasn't playing anymore .

And that was a day , when everything started again .

She turned 15 , and i asked her one more time

Said that i have nothing to give but myself

Promised her not to leave her again

She finally accepted that

Just like one of Taylor Swift's song , when she was 15 .

Hey myself , i had wonderful days .

You know , i have never liked a smooth life , i always cause troubles

But in the end , she forgave me

Studied together in the evening , and got high scores

Told me that i was the first person she had told that she got an A

Her scores was raised up high

Laughed and fought 'til tired was common

Always tried to make jokes when i'm not in the mood but it was not funny at all

And ended up showing her pitiful faces , cause she knew that i wasn't able to be mad when i saw her face

However i felt so grateful

That for once in my life , i was able to walk with an amazing girl .

Sang together in the night , didn't care whether we're off key or not

From Talking to the Moon

'Crush' , 'Someone like you' , 'Ya Sudalah' , 'Enchanted' and 'The man who can't be moved'

And she liked 'Kiss the Rain' and 'Crush' so much

Wanted me to play that song with piano in front of her

Said things in the Bio that made up my day everytime i checked it

May the happiness lies forever in our lives , May the odds be ever in your favor

Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass , but learn how to dance in the rain

I liked it

Punched her right in the cheeks when she was in a blank

Grumbled when she ate something and didn't gave me


 Disturbed me when i drank water , and my clothes was wet at last

Taught me how to love God when my life was so fucked up


 Told me that you become a caterpillar when you felt so cold , i knew you were hinting me

Talked about the future that we didn't knew yet

 

Decided wrongly to fall to the jealousy that is my deadly sin 


 Said whatever she felt was right that time , and i just laughed that it was ain't easy as she said

Waited for the 11.11 cause there was a story behind it and to made a wish

 

Asked me to immediately look at her new profile picture when she just changed it or she would be mad

Scolded her to death when she did something silly and when she was so lazy

 

Lied to her that i was sick , so i could got her attention

Always said that you're much more better than before when you did something

And ended up regretted at the last

 Still in 24 December 2012 , about 25 just 30 minutes more.

When last year everything changed

That was 24 December too

It was raining cats and dogs

When she watched fireworks at Melayu country

Waited for the Lord's born day

I doubted if i could spend another Christmas with her again

 Realized that it was would be my last Christmas with her

She was so certain as usual that we would spend another Christmas that would be greater than that night

Yes , deep inside i really hoped that it will become real .

Got an uncertain information that i will go back to my hometown , i finally told her

Was almost about to cry , but i tried to smile .

But she was the one who cried , and i didn't know how i could leave her again

I decided to be beside her until she finished her final examination and be awesome enough

I knew that someday i must leave her once again no matter what

But i kept praying , hoping that miracles would came .


And gave her a little box that's full of things to be remember at last

And that day in April ,

I read a newspaper while waited for her at the Harbour

She came wearing a purple dress with a purple bag

And i was so stunned

It was the last day i walked together with her

It was the day that she bought me another cross necklace that's identical with hers

It was the day when she gave me one of couple keychains while she held another one

It was the prettiest day in my life

Got a new ring in the games before the last ones.

Stood again for the last time in the middle of the bridge

With the emptiness that almost dominated

Felt the breeze , and whistled while she talked .

It was 7 p.m , when she must go back home

I stopped whistling , gave my last smile and whispered that i liked her also good bye for the last time

Prayed together in the night , said that i hope i could walk together with her til the end of my day

But back then i kept saying to myself , that this would end sooner or later

That's all memories that i ever had

A stories about me and a boy-like girl that's turned into amazing girl-like girl now

A stories about the first time i really fell into someone , even though the storylines isn't as smooth as i wanted in the first time , as i prayed in every night .

So please keep that

Cause it's all different now

Cause maybe tomorrow i'll bury this emptiness and leave it

Cause maybe one day it's gonna be tough to make her smile again

Hey myself ,

I know that day by day we learn how to live with this emptiness

I can't feel sad while others are

I can't laugh while there are sort of funny things in front of me

I can't no more love myself

I can't think as clear as before , my logic was terribly diminished

Social networks became my phobias

All i can do is nothing just overthink , think about thorny future

This is an anxiety disorder

That's mixed with insecurities , fearfulness , clingyness , desperation , and devastation

When i couldn't focus on anything
When i couldn't sleep in the night , and when my chest are freezing in the morning
When everything i do , will reminds me of her

Slept in the class , stayed up late in the night

Breathed too quick and too deep

Faked a smile , fell sick easily

Hey myself ,

I know that we had prepared everything right ?

And isn't it about time to wake up ?

Don't you feel sucked up already ?

So dear you the little girl that has ever been important to me ,

I hope that you will be happy whether its with me , or without me

I hope that you will pass your last examination with a great scores

I hope that you will spend this Christmas happily

I gladly say to you that i did everything as i promised to you

This is end of the year , when the school is over

This is holiday , when i'm going to take a deep breath before leaving

Try to smile , to feel happy even it's so hard , see how awesome you are now

I already asked one of our friend to take care of you

While i'm away , while you haven't gotten somebody on your mind

While you haven't gotten some new friends

While a boring holiday will hit you sooner or later

I believed in her , she is the best that i knew

I'm glad that you're not feeling as sad as that day again

Glad to know that youve tried hard to trust me even though i know it hurts inside

Glad that you dont sleep in class again

Glad that you dont cry and overthink in the night

Glad that you're not eating much snack while feeling sad

I'm sorry if i can't do as you wanted

Accompany you to play games

Accompany you in your holiday

Accompany you when someday you'll go to the higher level of your study

I'm sorry if i leave you later at that game , i know someone will fulfill your old wish

I know that you will find many good friends

I know that you will find somebody that's much better than what i am now

I know that you have mates that would makes you happy in your lonely day

I'm sorry for the mess that i've caused

I'm sorry for the lies that i said so much to you

I'm sorry for the nauseating feeling that i caused to you

I'm sorry if i didn't fight again as i said before our last conversation

Yes , before i leave

I would like to thank you for everything you have given me , for the things that i couldn't pay back

I would also say sorry for what you become now that you really afraid of became like this

I would also say sorry for the things that i never say to you , the things that i keep inside myself



I hope you will study better than before without me as you said

I hope you will overcome sadness as fast as you could as you said

And i keep one thing from what you said ,

That if someday we're meant to be together once again , let's see



So myself,

It's 25 December already

Yesterday is gone , my eyes dry already

My lungs are now under control

We can start changing our super bad habits , cleaning our bittest spot



I've made a plan just now that i would say hi to her again when i'm mature enough

When i can remove this shitty feelings that i know this isn't the feels that i wanted , this is madness

When i could beat the time , when i'm much better than before

I wonder , how it would be

Will she ignore us ? Or will it become just so so ? Or will it become awkward again ? Or will it become funny again ?

I don't know yet , the future is future , now i just want to immerse myself with what i have prepared long long time ago



I saved the last conversation with her too. The last time she gaves me a smile

Cause maybe i'll never see the same smile again later

Cause maybe she'll give that smile to another person later

And one day if i miss her again , if i forget her , if i have a bad feeling towards her , if i outta control of her

I'll re-read that conversation



............

I swear to you this is my last disgusting letter i'm writting to you dear myself

Swear that i'll keep this letter , lock it up and never open again til i clean my bad habits

So If one day im allowed to choose again

If one day no one is prohibiting me again

I'll chat her again , and rebuild the trust that's been broken for so long



Merry Christmas